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VX [earnest Nat Rad news]: It’s eight o’clock on Irrational Radio.

A priest who spat at a parishoner has been stood down. The Reverend Tom Ambrose, of St Mary and St Michael Church, in Whatahua, was blamed for a “serious pastoral breakdown” after the incident, which took place during a Christmas sermon last year. Reverend Ambrose was reported to have said “Tis the season for goodwill to all men, except Barry Turner, conniving bastard wife-stealer”.

Church leaders said Reverend Ambrose must leave his post by July 9 to take up missionary work in Indonesia.

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The Unreserved Bank of New Zealand has raised the disinterest rate to a record high ten point seven five percent, a jump of half a percentage point.

The bank says the rise is a function of increased rates of advertising, more political pigswill and facile media reporting in the face of ongoing imports of bland globalised culture and negative motivational gearing going forward.

The stock market reacted swiftly to the news, cancelling the lobster before ordering a third bottle of chianti.

The disinterest rate is an indexed measure of consumer prices over time multiplied by a proportional weighting factor of the price of a glass of beer.

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In sport, the regular Friday round of the Ashburton V8 street race has been won by an unknown local driver. Race officials said the man, wearing a black singlet and a beanie, had made his way onto the course after taking a wrong turn at Imperial Liquor on Humber Street. Other teams are appealing the win on the grounds of inappropriate racing uniform.

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Weather will be rain today with a high of seven degrees, rain tomorrow and rain the day after that.

And that’s the news.